just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
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If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Every damn time
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.