Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

is this a warning or an offer?

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Is this a threat?

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton