just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
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Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
It’s a gift
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
A short story about romance.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?