just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Story time
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps