Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

me adding lol on a serious message

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.