Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea