Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Please do it!

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.