Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

she has a point

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”