@illuminatedwndr

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

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@BigPlanetEarth

Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.

@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

@Carbosly

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

@ojedge

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

@jordan_stratton

I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”

@fro_vo

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

@Home_Halfway

“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

@mostlydelirious

Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.