just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Sorry not sorry.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS