just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

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Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.


Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.


Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”


If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.


[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]


I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”


[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist


“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle


Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.