just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*