Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.