“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Meanwhile in Portland…
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
based al yankovic
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?