“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.