Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I hope it’s French Onion!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
🍛
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second