Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I