Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Finally, an instrument I can play!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]