Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
All generalizations are stupid.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.