Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
You Might Also Like
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
So true for me
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave