Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

👍

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

The “research” scene in every horror movie

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Wait a minute

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff