Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?