Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Selfie
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
