Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
This bar smells like my childhood.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet