Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
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Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time