Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
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[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.