Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
It’s on my to-do list.
