Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?