Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

I gave up going to work for lent.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers