Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed