just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
work smarter, not harder
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
