Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

🙋‍♀️

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like