just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
God has abandoned us.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
*pokes sex life with a stick
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I like long walks away from everyone
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.