just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.