Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
wtf is a larm clock?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
🤣
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about