Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper