Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
OH. COME. ON.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*