Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.