Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party