Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Spotted in the wild

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

WWE is French for “yes”

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.