Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

My circle of trust is a meatball

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Dune (2021)

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Nice try, NASA

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?