Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??