Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?