Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Everything reminds me of my ex
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.