Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Brands during Pride
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Current mood: Potato
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know