Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out