Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day