Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

the duality of man

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”