Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.