Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival