Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country