Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL