Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

you’d think eating your young was more filling.