Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers