Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
WTF IS THAT!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*