Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
The 6 types of sex
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Monday
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES