Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

The little toadstool has spoken.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then