Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Software Development ⛵️

tis the season

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?