Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.