Just the best dancing sandwiches.
You Might Also Like
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves