Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

set yourself free xox

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*