Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

This is hilarious….

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.