Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

My current situation

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

🖕🏻👽

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time