“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
boat question
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*