Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”