Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Anyone want a chair?

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.