Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.