ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext
this guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
often like herding cats
Some days, like herding feral cats
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.