@BeTheCookie

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

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@gabsmashh

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

@Rollmaninoz

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

@hidingfromme

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

@Jedi_Daddy

Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@alldrolledup

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”