@BeTheCookie

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

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@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@PartyBitchKayla

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

@whatmaddness

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

@dogsrverycool

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

@CollegeHumor

Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than “horsemeat”.

@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

@chrisopotamia

By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.

@TheZachCozad

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”