Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
NASA has no chill
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that