Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”


advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden


My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.


*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????


Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than “horsemeat”.



ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good


By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade


I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”