just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”