Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run