Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.