Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
