Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.