Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment