Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles