Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.